While you may not think it’s a big deal, it complicates recovery. Those who habitually enable dysfunctional behavior are often referred to as co-dependent. It’s a telling word, because an enabler’s self-esteem is often dependent on his or her ability and willingness to “help” in inappropriate ways. This “help” allows the enabler to feel in control of an unmanageable situation. The reality, though, is that enabling not only doesn’t help, but it actively causes harm and makes the situation worse.
- You may need to detach from the relationship until the substance user seeks help.
- If you identify enabling behaviors in yourself, please take the necessary steps to change your behavior for your own good and the good of the person you care about.
- When family members enable an addiction, they not only disable the substance users ability to face consequences, they also disable their ability to therapeutically confront the situation.
- For example, when someone is depressed, just getting out of bed in the morning can seem impossible.
Unfortunately, mental illness also makes it more difficult to make those changes. People experiencing mental illness often feel hopeless and overwhelmed. It can be hard to see why they should even bother making a change. They understand that sooner or later, their loved one will need to take charge of their own treatment.
There are support groups for people with loved ones who struggle with addiction. You can go and sit quietly; no one will force you to share anything you do not want to. It can be helpful to know there are others in your situation.
Enabling doesn’t mean you support your loved one’s addiction or other behavior. You might believe if you don’t help, the outcome for everyone involved will be far worse. Maybe you excuse troubling behavior, lend money, or assist in other ways. An enabler is someone who helps a person suffering from substance abuse issues continue to use drugs and alcohol.
Enablers May Not Always Know they Are Enabling
Funding a habit allows addicted people to avoid the full consequences of their behavior. Sometimes a person needs to run out of money before a treatment program seems like a viable option. There is a fine line between providing support and enabling. If your help makes it easy for a loved one to continue with their problematic behavior, you may be enabling them. If these questions make you think you might be an enabler, it is important that you take action. If the addict you are enabling is in treatment, then you, too, should take part in the process.
Lending financial support
But you don’t follow through, so your loved one continues doing what they’re doing and learns these are empty threats. Sometimes we want to make sacrifices for the people we care about. Missing out on things you want or need for yourself because you’re so involved with taking care of a loved one can also be a sign you’re enabling that person. They could say they’ve only tried drugs once or twice but don’t use them regularly.
Set (and stick to) boundaries
There’s often no harm in helping out a loved one financially from time to time if your personal finances allow for it. But if they tend to use money recklessly, impulsively, or on things that could cause harm, regularly giving them money can enable this behavior. Most people who enable loved ones don’t intend to cause harm.
Personalized and holistic treatment
It can quickly turn into a draining and unhealthy relationship when loved ones try to provide support they aren’t qualified for. Being an enabler doesn’t mean that someone is a bad person, but it isn’t a healthy thing for either them or the person that they are trying to take care of. This can also lead to a type of trauma bonding, where the enabler feels that they cannot stop enabling the person that they love without feeling that they abandoned them in their time of need. Over time, this behavior can lead to toxic relationships, where one person becomes dependent and less accountable, and the enabler feels trapped or taken advantage of. When the term enabler is used, it is usually referring to drug addiction or alcohol misuse.
In the control stage, the enabler tries to take control of the situation. As an adult, they might enable a brother’s substance use by calling his boss to make excuses when he misses work. Unfortunately, enabled person meaning most people don’t have the skillset to navigate things like addiction appropriately. Helpers encourage progress, while enablers often maintain the status quo. “Ending an enabling relationship requires assertiveness — the ability to say no,” Dr. Borland says. “For a lot of people, learning to be assertive is a new and potentially uncomfortable skill set.
You might let your teen avoid chores so they can “have time to be a kid.” But a young adult who doesn’t know how to do laundry or wash dishes will have a hard time on their own. Your adult child struggles to manage their money and never has enough to pay their rent. Helping them out each month won’t teach them how to manage their money. They say they haven’t been drinking, but you find a receipt in the bathroom trash for a liquor store one night.
But these behaviors often encourage the other person to continue the same behavioral patterns and not seek professional help. Enabling behaviors include making excuses for someone else, giving them money, covering for them, or even ignoring the problem entirely to avoid conflict. Managing enabling behavior may require that you first recognize the root cause of it. For this, it might be helpful to reach out to a mental health professional.
This may also encompass poor choices around so-called “soft addictions” such as gambling, pornography, or excessive video gaming. He or she may refuse, or appear unable, to fulfill normative roles of adulthood. If a parent, he or she may underperform or disregard the responsibilities of parenthood. The enabled person often displays poor money management, as well as disorganized academic and/or career-planning choices. He or she may quit or be fired from a series of promising jobs and educational or training programs. The enabled person often describes himself/herself as a victim of circumstances or of other people.
This could include explaining away missed work or failed responsibilities due to drug and alcohol use, or covering up for them when they’ve gotten into trouble as a result of their addiction. This behavior is commonly seen in relationships involving addiction, but it can also occur in various other contexts, such as overprotective parenting or dysfunctional workplace dynamics. Sometimes, enablers can have their own history of addiction and may feel guilty or helpless about the situation. They may feel it is unfair to address their loved one’s substance abuse when they have had their own similar struggles in the past. Enabling someone’s unhealthy behaviors—often unintentionally—can have serious and long-lasting consequences. An enabler is someone who, knowingly or not, permits, tolerates, or even supports another person’s destructive actions.
- Not following through lets your loved one know nothing will happen when they keep doing the same thing.
- They may skip the topic or pretend they didn’t see the problematic behavior.
- Enablers do not like or feel OK with what the enabled person is doing.
- For example, giving money to a loved one who uses it for drugs or alcohol, or covering for someone’s bad behavior, are forms of enabling.
- Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.
Chance are, it requires a little effort on your part, with a huge payoff for them. You may want to try to control their behaviors or help by giving money and bailing them out of trouble. A 2021 study found the risk of becoming codependent is 14.3 times more likely if the family or loved one lacks coping resources.
But it’s important to recognize this pattern of behavior and begin addressing it. Enabling can have serious consequences for your relationship and your loved one’s chances for recovery. Enablers often try to protect their loved ones from the consequences of their addiction. This might look like bailing them out of jail or paying for damages they’ve caused while under the influence.
Not following through lets your loved one know nothing will happen when they keep doing the same thing. This can make it more likely they’ll continue to behave in the same way and keep taking advantage of your help. But you also work full time and need the evenings to care for yourself. It also makes it harder for your loved one to ask for help, even if they know they need help to change.